When I grow up...

One day, while his son was away at school, a father went into his boy's room and put a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey on a bedside table.

"Now then," the man said to himself, "If my son picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher, and what a blessing that would be. If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."

The man hid in the closet. He cracked the door open just a bit when he heard his son come into the room. The young man dropped his school books on the bed and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. He picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

"Ah, a preacher," his father whispered to himself.

But then the boy picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

"Better yet, a man of business!" the father whispered.

And then the boy uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...

"Lord have mercy," the his dad said with a sigh. "He's gonna be a politician."

Sorry about the blow dryers.

During the announcement portion of the Sunday Service, the lay minister apologized to the congregation.

"We've had to remove the hot air hand dryers from the women's room because someone kept writing on them with a permanent marker," he said. "But, we think we've identified the culprit, and I'm ashamed to say, I think it was my wife."

The congregation was in shock and sat in stunned silence.

"I have three reasons to conclude this," he said. "Number one, the handwriting was very nice. Number two, it only showed up on the Sundays that I gave the sermon, and number three, it said, 'Push the big silver button for a sample of today's sermon."

The Price of a Woman's Brain

The family matriarch had literally lost her mind. The doctor said, "She needs a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$10,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eyecontact with the women, but some actually smirked.

Finally, one of the women blurted out, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down theprice of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

My favorite lawyer joke

ATTORNEY: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

CORONER: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you listen to the heart?

CORONER: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

CORONER: No.

ATTORNEY: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

CORONER: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.