Breaking the Funny Bone

2010-09-28T07:18:00.001-07:00

http://www.ltsl.abouthealthc.com

an exception to every rule

2008-05-28T08:22:00.001-07:00

J: There is an exception to every rule.

AC: Is there an exception to the rule that there is an exception to every rule?

Redesigning the Dollar

2008-05-20T11:27:00.001-07:00

A Federal Court of Appeals ruled today that U.S. money discriminates against blind people. This is a big victory for the American Council for the Blind, and I don't have any qualms about it - this is a good decision. The Treasury Department will have to redesign the bills so that people who can't see a dollar bill can still tell it's a dollar bill, or a twenty or whatever.

However, in a stunning victory for the United States government, at this point, from a legal standpoint anyway, money does not discriminate against the poor. Therefore, nothing has to be done about the problem of people who can't see a dollar bill because they simply don't have one.

a new disease for super Tuesday

2008-02-05T10:33:00.001-08:00

phrase for the day:

electile dysfunction

The inability to be aroused by any of the presidential candidates

pardon me if this was offensive, I heard it from a reliable and conservatives source!

Boys, boys, boys...

2008-01-30T10:57:00.001-08:00

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five

dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five

dollars from.

The little girl replied: ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for

doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter: "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see

your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I

got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing

a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied: "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy! I tricked

him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

Why you should not drink

2008-01-25T15:11:00.001-08:00

A tourist sat down next to a man in a downtown Manhattan bar and they got to drinking and talking.

They could see the Empire State building from where they sat, and the tourist made a comment about how tall it was. The native New Yorker pointed about halfway up and said, "You know, there's an updraft right there. Most people don't know it, but if you jump off the top of the Empire State building, right there about halfway down that updraft catches you, swirls you around to the other side and slings you right into an open window."

The tourist took another drink and chuckled, but the New Yorker insisted.

"I'll prove it to you," he said. "Come on." He bought a pint of whiskey to go and then he dragged that tourist along, up to the observation deck, and then the New Yorker dived over the edge.

The tourist was mortified, but it was but a few minutes later that the native came out of the elevator with a big grin on his face.

"See?" he said.

The tourist just stood there with his mouth open.

"Why don't you try it?" the New Yorker said.

The tourist shook his head. Even drunk as he was, he couldn't believe what he'd just seen.

"Really," said the native. "There's an updraft that catches you and slings you around. You just ride the elevator back up and you can do it again. Watch."

He did it again, jumped right over the edge. A few minutes later he came back up again. He took a swig from his pint and handed the bottle to the tourist. The tourist took a long swig and then jumped over the edge.

"Wheeeee!" he cried as he fell to his death. He left a huge splat mark on the pavement.

The New Yorker went back to the bar and sat down.

The bartender stopped wiping off the bar for a moment. He put his hands on his hips and said, "When you get drunk, Superman, you're a real asshole."

You have to have the pic to appreciate the joke!

2008-01-17T09:15:00.001-08:00

If the pic didn't come through, go to http://breakingthefunnybone.blogspot.com/ to see it.

(There is some resemblance to my son, Carter.)

Parents take note: alternatives to spanking!

2008-01-16T20:49:00.001-08:00

The other day I was talking to one of my younger buddies about methods used to discipline children.

We talked about "time outs", grounding, holding back "rewards" until the child displayed desired behavior etc. One of the things we discussed was the act of spanking and my friend explained that no, he does not spank any of his children.

He explained that what he does is to take the misbehaving child out for a ride in the car and talk. He said that usually this works and that the child calms down fairly quickly and really doesn't take too much time.

By removing the child, in this case his son, from the immediate situation and providing a change of scenery, the child is allowed to focus on something different. Once the child has the opportunity to change perspective, things get better quickly and the child has better understanding of his place within the family and begins to understand the families concept of acceptable behavior.

He kindly shared a picture of the process which I share with you now.

Matt's Talk

2007-12-23T18:51:00.001-08:00

Matt's Sunday talk is now posted to the unity web site, or just click here:

http://www.unitychurchofpeace.info/audio/ucp12_23_07.m3u

Jesus Saves

2007-10-16T09:53:00.001-07:00

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

Computer Gender

2007-10-16T09:52:00.001-07:00

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

When I grow up...

2007-05-30T15:10:00.000-07:00

One day, while his son was away at school, a father went into his boy's room and put a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey on a bedside table.
"Now then," the man said to himself, "If my son picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher, and what a blessing that would be. If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."
The man hid in the closet. He cracked the door open just a bit when he heard his son come into the room. The young man dropped his school books on the bed and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. He picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
"Ah, a preacher," his father whispered to himself.
But then the boy picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.
"Better yet, a man of business!" the father whispered.
And then the boy uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...
"Lord have mercy," the his dad said with a sigh. "He's gonna be a politician."

Sorry about the blow dryers.

2007-05-23T21:21:00.000-07:00

During the announcement portion of the Sunday Service, the lay minister apologized to the congregation.

"We've had to remove the hot air hand dryers from the women's room because someone kept writing on them with a permanent marker," he said. "But, we think we've identified the culprit, and I'm ashamed to say, I think it was my wife."

The congregation was in shock and sat in stunned silence.

"I have three reasons to conclude this," he said. "Number one, the handwriting was very nice. Number two, it only showed up on the Sundays that I gave the sermon, and number three, it said, 'Push the big silver button for a sample of today's sermon."

The Price of a Woman's Brain

2007-05-23T21:16:00.000-07:00

The family matriarch had literally lost her mind. The doctor said, "She needs a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$10,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eyecontact with the women, but some actually smirked.

Finally, one of the women blurted out, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down theprice of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

My favorite lawyer joke

2007-05-23T21:04:00.000-07:00

ATTORNEY: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

CORONER: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you listen to the heart?

CORONER: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

CORONER: No.

ATTORNEY: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

CORONER: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

Check out Ronald McDonald House on Yahoo! Video

2006-11-26T16:29:00.000-08:00

Joe thought you might be interested in this video on Yahoo! Video:

http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=80a23d9382e7915fc3077011f0de18a7.1088645&fr=yvmtf

A bit of tasteful humor adds to a serious topic

2006-11-26T15:05:00.000-08:00

Gender differences

2006-08-16T10:02:00.000-07:00

Non-religious version:

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

More religious version

A man was walking along the beach deep in prayer, when suddenly the clouds broke open and a voice from above said, "You have prayed so deeply and earnestly that I have come to grant your deepest desire!"

The man thought about it for a moment and then said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

There was a moment of silence, and then the voice replied very patiently, "This is your deepest desire? Can't you think of something a little more...grand?"

The man thought for a long time before his eyes lit up and he, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

Without missing a beat, the voice said, "Do you want two lanes on that bridge or four?"

"Down to the River to Pray"

2006-08-16T09:52:00.000-07:00

An old drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks."Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

This is the original version of the joke on my flash page

2006-08-16T09:50:00.000-07:00

Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought."How could you do this?!"

"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'"

"Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"

How to be funny...

2006-08-12T12:36:00.000-07:00

Ah, yes. Are some people just born funny? Or, can humor be acquired. Is it talent or training, or both? What makes something funny?

All this and more, we shall explore.

How to write funny.

How to act funny.

And how to talk funny.